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Home > Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting
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Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting
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By Ph.D. John Gottman and Joan Declaire
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 (51 Reviews)
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Publisher:
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Schuster
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Published:
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December 31, 1969 |
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Binding:
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Paperback
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Pages:
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240
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Intelligence That Comes from the Heart Every parent knows the importance of equipping children with the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. But children also need to master their emotions. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world. And as acclaimed psychologist and researcher John Gottman shows, once they master this important life skill, emotionally intelligent children will enjoy increased self-confidence, greater physical health, better performance in school, and healthier social relationships. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child will equip parents with a five-step "emotion coaching" process that teaches how to: * Be aware of a child's emotions * Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching * Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings * Label emotions in words a child can understand * Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation Written for parents of children of all ages, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child will enrich the bonds between parent and child and contribute immeasurably to the development of a generation of emotionally healthy adults.
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In Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, psychology professor John Gottman explores the emotional relationship between parents and children. It's not enough to simply reject an authoritarian model of parenting, Gottman says. A parent needs to be concerned with the quality of emotional interactions. Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, and coauthor Joan Declaire focus first on the parent (a "know thyself" approach), and provide a series of exercises to assess parenting styles and emotional self-awareness. The authors identify a five-step "emotion coaching" process to help teach children how to recognize and address their feelings, which includes becoming aware of the child's emotions; recognizing that dealing with these emotions is an opportunity for intimacy; listening empathetically; helping the child label emotions; setting limits; and problem-solving. Chapters on divorce, fathering, and age-based differences in emotional development help make Gottman's teachings detailed and useful. --Ericka Lutz
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Customer Reviews:
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One of the best parenting books!, April 23, 2002
By afellner (München)
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You can find a lot of books about parenting, but many of them are just pop psychology, the solitary opinion of the author.
Gottman is definitely not one of them. He is known as one of the leading psychologists in the area of family and marriage psychology. This book presents the essence of his research findings about raising emotionally intelligent children.
His advise is surprisingly easy and is based on a 5 step model:
1. Be aware of your child's emotion
2. See your child's emotions as an opportunity to be close together
3. Actively listen to your child and validate the feelings
4. Help your child to verbalize his feelings
5. Help your child solve problems, while setting clear limitsGottman clearly explains how you can implement this 5-step-model in daily life and what to do when problems arise. His real life examples make reading really fun.
All in all, an excellent parenting book! As a supplement, I can also recommend the book by M. Seligman: "The optimistic child"
127 of 127 people found the above review helpful.
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Excellent parenting book, August 1, 2001
By Greg Bishop, Ph.D. (Lake Oswego, OR USA)
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I am a child/family psychologist and don't like most parenting books for my clients because they present theories as facts without the research behind it. This is one of 3 books that I recommend because it is well-researched yet easy to read and comprehend. Gottman's work in the field of psychology is highly respected, and the research from which this book emanates is thorough and rigorous. Yet his format in the book is such that you can immediately begin to apply his "emotion-coaching" technique. If you are having difficulty coping with your child's emotional outbursts, read this book!
127 of 127 people found the above review helpful.
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Imagine if your own parents had read this book..., January 6, 2005
By Devilfish (Honolulu, Hawaii USA)
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There are many parenting books out there that are as controversial as they are popular. You use what you find helpful and ignore what doesn't fit in with your own personal parenting philosophy. I found most of Goleman's techniques in this book to be insightful and invaluable.
Too often, we may find ourselves giving in to venting our anger or frustration at our children for our own emotional benefit, forgetting that they are not adept at reading their own feelings much less yours. It is too easy to discount our little ones' cries as merely manipulative attempts to get what they want. (The author DOES recognize that children DO try to manipulate adults in this way and recommends not using emotion coaching in those instances.) This is a realistic, practical, and easily read book told from the perspective of a father who also relays helpful instances in his own life where he'd used emotion coaching.
One benchmark that I often use to judge parenting books are their philosophies on punishment, particularly time-outs. Goleman believes in the proper implementation of time-outs. They are to be consistent and respectful, not opportunities to emotionally berate or humiliate children. He believes that it is best used for children aged 3-8 and should last about a minute. You may want use Amazon's search-within-a-book feature and search for "time-out" to get a better idea.
The author sites studies showing that emotional intelligence is linked to higher reading and math IQ's, social competence, and physical health. We all wish the best for our children, and reading this book will help you to be the best parent you can be. More than that, you've probably noticed, that our children have a lot more benefits available to them than we did (baby care gadgets, nutritional food, innovative schooling, etc.) and yet, if I were to choose one benefit of our present to have as a child, I would have wished that my own parents had read this book. How wonderful that would have been!
75 of 77 people found the above review helpful.
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Fantastic and practical parenting resource, March 4, 2005
By W. McKelvie (Tokyo, Japan)
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This book is a practical and well-presented guide to recognizing, validating, and helping your child deal with emotions.
Gottman starts out with his rationale for Emotion Coaching, helps the parent assess their current parenting style, discusses the Key Steps and strategies for emotion coaching, and devotes an entire chapter to Marriage, Divorce, and Your Child's Emotional Health. At the end of the book he includes an age range breakdown of specific emotions to expect from your child (anxiety separation, fear of the dark, fear of death, adolescent separation...)
In the Marriage chapter, Gottman also includes a short summary of his renowned work in the study of relationships. He applies emotion coaching to avoiding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that end marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
This book made me reevaluate the way I interact not just with my child, but my husband, and friends as well. I found it very enlightening.
34 of 34 people found the above review helpful.
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The first parenting book that I agree with..., August 31, 2000
By A Customer
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Many parenting books make many suggestions, of which I pick one and that is about it. This is the first book that I agree with virtually 100%. It has benefited not only my parenting but my personal and business relationships as well. I literally hand out copies to coaches, teachers and the occasional friend that is searching for a better way to parent. It has been the first book that realistically addresses not only my children but me as a parent, without making me feel guilty or stupid. We all have to deal with fun and frustration, cuddling and craziness...the reccomendations in this book helped me find great perspective on all those aspects of being a part of a family.
33 of 34 people found the above review helpful.
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don't wait to read this one!, June 19, 1999
By A Customer
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extremely interesting (and not only for parents but anyone who wants to know more about their childhoods as well) and helpful book about the nature of interaction with our children, the daily exchanges and the big picture, how different parenting styles impact your child's perceptions, behaviors and self esteem from an early age. good methologies for forging healthy emotional exchanges, well-organized and written, this one is a gem
30 of 32 people found the above review helpful.
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Raising a child is really really really challenging..., July 16, 2002
By Solve the Money Problem, Occu.. (Marina del Rey, CA, USA)
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So many times, before I know it, I'm launching into telling my son what to do, how, where, why... Without giving him a chance! And I've already read most of the book! It is so important how we talk to our kids. If we say the wrong words too often, we build up a wall in them. They need to express themselves and work out their own problems and feel SAFE expressing EVERYTHING with you and TRUSTING YOU while not compromising your morals and beliefs. It's amazing how much happiness there is between parent and child. It's the best thing in the world! Yet I fear, it is so easy to watch it all disappear without knowing why. This book gives you a chance NOW, to hear yourself and gives you the instructions to hold on to that joy and pride. I KNOW when I have said the RIGHT thing. This book taught me things you just don't get with trial and error! Instead of grasping at the vapor fumes of youth's departure, I know, I'm doing the best I can to be there always, with love being true. Do NOT forget this: #1 ALL PARENTS MUST ALWAYS READ ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN. (Trust the wealth of literature! Really! Don't fool around with trial and error. A child is NOT your first model airplane where you didn't read the instructions beforehand!) #2 THIS BOOK SHOULD BE ON THAT REQUIRED LIST! Thanks for reading! Take the stand. Be there for your kids.
23 of 35 people found the above review helpful.
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 teaching kids about emotions, January 3, 2007
By child psychologist
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This book helps parents understand how their personal philosophy about their own emotions influences what and how they teach their children about emotions, such as how to recognize, express, and control anger. The book provides a simple self-test to help parents understand what their philosopy is and how it impacts interactions with their children. For example, some parents do not permit their children to express anger at them while others are accepting of their children being openly angry with them. There are very different long-range implications of these different philosophies and parenting styles. This book helps parents to assess their own philosophy and consider changes in their parenting style.
22 of 24 people found the above review helpful.
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Raising a child is really really really challenging..., July 16, 2002
By Fair Elections Means Full Pub.. (Marina del Rey, CA, USA)
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So many times, before I know it, I'm launching into telling my son what to do, how, where, why... Without giving him a chance! And I've already read most of the book! It is so important how we talk to our kids. If we say the wrong words too often, we build up a wall in them. They need to express themselves and work out their own problems and feel SAFE expressing EVERYTHING with you and TRUSTING YOU while not compromising your morals and beliefs. It's amazing how much happiness there is between parent and child. It's the best thing in the world! Yet I fear, it is so easy to watch it all disappear without knowing why. This book gives you a chance NOW, to hear yourself and gives you the instructions to hold on to that joy and pride. I KNOW when I have said the RIGHT thing. This book taught me things you just don't get with trial and error! Instead of grasping at the vapor fumes of youth's departure, I know, I'm doing the best I can to be there always, with love being true. Do NOT forget this: #1 ALL PARENTS MUST ALWAYS READ ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN. (Trust the wealth of literature! Really! Don't fool around with trial and error. A child is NOT your first model airplane where you didn't read the instructions beforehand!) #2 THIS BOOK SHOULD BE ON THAT REQUIRED LIST! Thanks for reading! Take the stand. Be there for your kids.
22 of 34 people found the above review helpful.
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What Every Parent Should Know!, August 23, 2005
By Guy M. Blasi (Highlands Ranch, CO USA)
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I decided to read this book after completing a summer with my children and I thought it would be a good read. I don't claim to be the best father in the world, but I'm always up for areas I can improve. This book truly opened my eyes in several areas where I realized I could take a bit of a different road. My two daughters are very precious to me and I learned a lot in this book. I ended up reading it in two evenings and I must say a lot of it was very enlightening. And as funny as this sounds, after reading this book, I really appreciate my parents now as an adult because, according to this book, they did a lot things that were right on.
16 of 16 people found the above review helpful.
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Terrific!, October 6, 1999
By L.C. Roberts (Waynesville, NC USA)
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Gottman, well-known for his books on marriage and divorce prediction, presents a terrific look at parenting from an "emotion coaching" standpoint. This is an easy-to-read book that can change one's thinking about negative emotion from, well, negative, to inevitable and necessary.
15 of 20 people found the above review helpful.
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 Different flavour than Gottman's marriage books, June 2, 2009
By kalanamak (Pacific NW)
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I got this book because I admire Gottman's marriage books, especially the idea that different people express themselves in different ways, and not all couples have to sit down and have "meaningful" heart to hearts to get along.
Unfortunately, this book leans the direction of only one way of doing it right. Those of us at the ends of bell curve that were so delighted to see how two similar grownups could have a good life together even if it didn't fit the TV world of everyone talking everything over, get left out of this book. If people do grow up to have normal but avoidant marriage styles, why can't that style carry over to parenting? Especially if your child is so like you, the two of you sometimes, in a tricky situation, just look at each other and nod.
Also, I found the assessment questions more black-and-white than in the marriage books. I wanted to answer "sometimes" to far too many. (E.g. "it is a good thing to express emotion"...this depends entirely on the situation!)
15 of 28 people found the above review helpful.
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Interesting and well written perspective on parenting, July 17, 2007
By CECS (Connecticut)
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Dr. Gottman presents an intelligent and informative approach to parenting that teaches children appropriate behavior in a sensitive manner that helps both parents and children explore the underlying reasons for the child's misbehavior. I have found this especially useful when approaching my toddler's tantrums, and have often been able to convert her screams into rational discussion. There is also a chapter that would be particularly helpful for families experiencing marital discord or separation. The book's greatest weakness is that it doesn't discuss differences in children's temperament, which would have a big effect on how well a child might respond to this approach. Overall, though a very interesting and helpful read for parents and child professionals.
14 of 15 people found the above review helpful.
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Every Parent Should Read this Before Leaving the Hospital..., April 22, 2001
By A Customer
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...and re-read it once a month ever after. Gottman is both a student an professor of relationships--marital and otherwise. He has so much to offer that it's difficult to digest this book in one reading. Every time I pick it up I find something new in what I've already read before. This is definitely my parenting book of the decade!
14 of 17 people found the above review helpful.
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A Must-Read for all Parents, Grandparents and Childcare, May 2, 2009
By Alana (San Diego, CA USA)
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Emotional Intelligence, EQ, has a lot of great resources, such as the classics by Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ and his workbooks, as well as a wealth of great studies by Harvard Business, MIT, McKinsey and Wharton, but this book takes a wonderful look at how to raise your child as an "emotional coach". Negative emotions are a fact of life, and how we use these emotional moments is an opportunity to teach important life lessons and build closer relationships with our child.
Beginning immediately in Chapter 1 on page 24, you find the these key responses for successful parent-child interactions and the building of emotional intelligence: 1. Become aware of the child's emotion, 2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching, 3. Listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings, 4. Help the child find words to label the emotion he is having, and 5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.
Chapter 2 provides a quiz to assess your parenting style, as well as identifying and explaining the four types of parenting. Chapter 3 examines the 5 steps above and goes into greater (much-needed) detail and provides quizzes on emotions, such as anger and sadness. It provides a list of 20 emotions and this quote helps you to gain insight on this chapter, "Kids often express their emotions indirectly and in ways that adults find puzzling. (not you, of course) If we listen carefully with open hearts, however, we can often de-code messages children unconsciously hide in their interactions, their play, their everyday behavior." Listening and identifying the problems and possible solutions that are based on your family values help your child to identify and choose their solution.
Chapter 4 covers emotion-coaching strategies, such as scaffolding of praise, being aware of your own agenda and how that can effect your child-parent relationship when it comes into play, and how to empower your child. It is also filled with many other strategies and ideas that are insightful and helpful. This is where you can learn the ins-and-pouts :) of how to interact. A couple of other resources in this area of the chapter (there are so many) are The Leader in Me: How Schools and Parents Around the World Are Inspiring Greatness, One Child At a Time and the list in the back of the book of over 40 children's books to read together at different stages, identifying emotions together, might be something to look at.
Chapter 5 deals with marriage, divorce, and your child's emotional health. I, myself, am re-married and am always trying to seek to do the best for our child and keep what is in his best interest at the forefront of my mind. Naturally, as we are both re-married and all have our perspectives, it can be a challenge at times, and a true gift to work together. This chapter can help in this area. I'd also suggest taking a look at Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation and Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life for more resources in this area.
In the next chapter, Chapter 6, the Father's Crucial Role, it has truly helped me in the understanding of why making sure that everyone is involved (to what extent is different for everyone) is so important, from the parents to the new bonus-parents. Fathers in both roles are incredibly important, as are their level of involvement. For both boys and girls, it describes what fathers can do in practical terms and how to strike a balance between your work life and home life... something we all can stand to work on at times.
Chapter 7 teaches you how to be an emotional coach as your child grows up. If you are giving this to a grandparent, childcare worker, or even another parent, be sure they read this helpful last chapter. Going through each of the stages of development (similar to the sociological stages of Piaget, Erikson and Mead- you can find them under sociology and psychology classics), Gottman identifies the most ideal ways to interact. From birth to adulthood, you never stop being a parent... helping your child to be emotionally intelligent is incredibly helpful (and some might say critical) to their development and success in life.
10 of 10 people found the above review helpful.
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A Book for Every Parent, July 13, 2008
By Paul Swegle (Seattle)
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John Gottman is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, a Rabbi, author of the excellent book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," and also an entertaining speaker. My wife and I attended one of his talks on successful marriages. He's the Jerry Seinfeld of the clinical psychologist-Rabbi set.
Against that backdrop, it wasn't difficult for my wife to get me to read "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" after we had our second kid, although I wondered what misdeed on my part prompted the purchase.
As with Seven Principles, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a tad heavy on discussions of research methodology, obviously intended to enhance the credibility of Gottman's conclusions. And some of Gottman's advice is a bit much for any but the most obsessive-compulsive. As an example, I don't think I'll be keeping an "emotion log" anytime soon in order to better understand my feelings "from moment to moment."
Such quirks aside, I recommend this book to every parent. It's short and easy to read, and most readers probably come away wishing their parents had read it. Gottman provides compelling insights and guidance for parents on how to help children identify, understand and work with all kinds of emotions ("emotion coaching"). Concepts are supported by examples of good and bad parental attitudes and/or parent-child interactions. These real-life examples colorfully reinforce Gottman's basic theories and demonstrate the advice in action.
Half way through the book, I found myself already trying to apply its principles in dealing with emotional outbreaks from our young children. They responded well. Gottman presents compelling evidence that parents can play an important role in the emotional well-being and happiness of their children and he argues persuasively that parents who succeed in doing so likely form stronger bonds with their children. That's a lot more value than one usually expects from a $13, 200-page paperback.
8 of 8 people found the above review helpful.
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Thanks for this great book, September 20, 2006
By P. Orifici
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Dr. Gottman, thanks for writing this book: it is a great gift to parents involved and interested in their kids development.
I loved this book because I felt, chapter by chapter, that you loved writing the book and sharing with the reader your great knowledge and your own experience as a father.
I personally liked the sixth chapter "The Father's Crucial Role" because it stresses the importance of the emotional connection between father and child.
I found as well very helpful the fifth chapter "Marriage, Divorce..." because it helped me shed light on my own childhood emotions with separated parents.
Thanks again.
8 of 9 people found the above review helpful.
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Helpful tips, February 20, 2006
By Jack (Perth, WA)
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I found this book useful with some practical ideas. Discipline tips are particularly useful and realistic.
8 of 26 people found the above review helpful.
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Gottman hits the target..., November 9, 2006
By M. Ciprich (Ames, IA United States)
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Everything I am reading in this book makes so much logical sense in reflecting on my own experiences as a child and observing others and their interaction with children. I plan on reading it a second time...took notes in the columns for my husband and certainly plan on applying it in raising our son. A must read for ALL parents (especially future parents)!
7 of 8 people found the above review helpful.
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Highly Recommended, November 2, 2006
By lainibug (Nashville, TN)
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As a new elementary guidance counselor, with a master's in general counseling, I wish the parents of all my students would read this book! Emotional Intelligence is a highly important teachable skill set for children, on the level of discipline or academics, but unfortunately much overlooked. I think Gottman is right on in terms of describing how to relate to children in ways that teach emotional skills in daily situations. This book captures and makes sense of so many of the little strategies I learned by trial and error through working with kids and observing many parents. Plus, Gottman's strategies should be helpful to parents with a wide range of values or discipline styles.
7 of 8 people found the above review helpful.
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Fantastic - it has really helped me with my kids, January 2, 2005
By Agile/Lean Coach and Consultant (Toronto, Canada)
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This book is applied and practical - it provides a step by step solution. I also found the self-assesment tool very valuable.
6 of 9 people found the above review helpful.
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Not For Expecting Parents, December 28, 2009
By New Mom Reader (Manhattan)
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Due to the strength of the reviews on this site (and being a slightly Type A person), I decided to move on to this book in my last few months of pregnancy when I had both the time and the mental capacity to absorb it. For all other expecting parents out there looking to be similarly prepared, I'd save this one for later. Much of the book focuses on your current parenting style (and bad habits) and unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), we do not know ours yet. Plus, not having experience dealing with difficult parenting situations, many of the prescribed solutions seemed trite and even paradoxical. In its worst moments, the book reads like a bad script for a mid-week parenting sitcom but I'm sure that when our child comes into this world, I'll be thankful for the simplified advice.
5 of 22 people found the above review helpful.
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What a help!, March 6, 2008
By Mom of 4 Boys (Johnsnon City, TN)
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I found this book to be very helpful to me emotionally and to my parenting skills. I am also a substitute teacher and use these methods in the classrooms I teach in. I'm so impressed with this author, I'm ordering his book on marriage.
4 of 4 people found the above review helpful.
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This is the best parenting book I've ever read!, July 10, 2006
By PAOLA R.
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This is a book that makes you understand and remember many feelings of childhood and it gives you really good tools to communicate effectively with your child. The author is the best in his field.
4 of 6 people found the above review helpful.
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Worthwhile reading, August 9, 2004
By Teacher
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A good book to help your child get the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. It helps with their emotions and their "emotional intellect" to create a better understanding of the world. Highly recommended.
4 of 7 people found the above review helpful.
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Timeless advice, June 1, 2008
By S. D. Haltzman (Rhode Island)
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This book was published 10 years ago, but the advice is still as timely as ever. Very well written, with just the right blend of research, stories, and recommendations. This book should improve the life of anyone who reads it. When John Gottman talks, people listen!
3 of 3 people found the above review helpful.
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Very Helpful, March 19, 2009
By J. Gelfand
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Excellent resource for parents - quick read.
Would like to have had more specific conversation examples for very young children (my youngest is 3) however am already noticing a positive change in my children's behavior as a result of using book's tactics.
3 of 3 people found the above review helpful.
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The Go-To Mom Gives "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" 5 Gold Stars, November 16, 2008
By The Go-To Mom (California)
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John Gottman produces the most insightful and inspiring books I have ever read. All his work is well worth the investment. Every parent should own a copy of this book and refer to it on a regular basis. There would be less violence, suicide, depression and school drop out if children where raised by parents who had more empathy and understanding of the important role that emotions play in early childhood. Buy this book and hold it close, it may change your life. Other books that you may find helpful are: Kids-Parents and Power Struggles, How To Talk So Kids Can Listen, Got the Baby Where's the Manual, Between Parent and Child,and Undconditional Parenting.
Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT
Licensed Child Therapist
founder, www.TheGoToMom.TV
Author: Mommy Confidence: 8 Easy Steps to Reclaiming Balance, Motivation, and Your Inner Diva
3 of 3 people found the above review helpful.
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raising an emotionally intelligent child, January 7, 2008
By Colleen J. Suljic (Winnetka, IL United States)
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This is the best child development book I have ever read! It was incredibly helpful and an answer to a prayer. I have encouraged everyone I know to read it and I quote it every day. Thank you!
3 of 3 people found the above review helpful.
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Golden advice. A book to read and re-read., September 8, 2011
By Astrid_Dom (Belgium)
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I bought and read this book 2 years ago, when my daughter was 1 year old, and I still regularly browse through it. These insights are worth gold. The book starts by showing that love alone is not enough to make a child emotionally intelligent, i.e. aware of its own emotions, able to control them and to quickly recover from them, as well as able to emphasize with others and support them emotionally. Emotionally intelligent children don't just have loving parents, they have loving parents who are also emotional coaches. It's probably one of the biggest gifts you can give your child. The basic principles are actually fairly easy, although applying them may require some practice.
Densely summarized, in just 2 bullet points:
1) show empathy and help you child label its emotions. This labelling is very important because once an emotion has a name, it becomes something controllable. The labelling in itself already helps calm down.
2) help your child come up with 'solutions'. When they are young, you may make some suggestions yourself. Once they are old enough, they can generate options themselves and you two can discuss them.
Actually, I already read multiple books on the coaching of adults, and the principles are very, very similar. For example, in case of adult coaching, the 2 bullet points above read: 1) Help open eyes (=help become aware) 2) Free to take action.
See what I mean?
There are plenty of example conversations in the book, which are really helpful. There are also some exercises, plus a questionnaire to test your own emotional intelligence.
One more thing I will always remember from this book: negative emotions are not all negative: Anger can also give energy, and sadness can be a pleasure and/or can tell you what is missing in your life. How right is that?
The book also lists a number of tips, depending on the child's age. There is a chapter on divorced parents and there is also a chapter on the (very important) role of fathers. Did you know that if a father is a good emotional coach, this has a tremendous effect on the emotional intelligence of his children?
I highly recommend this book!
3 of 3 people found the above review helpful.
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Needed for every family, especially new parents., September 26, 2007
By me="R1JW517V66B4QZ">
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
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My sister and brother in law just had a baby and I was reading this for a class... everything that I've learned from this book has been applied to my new nephew and 2 year old niece and it's changed the dynamics of the family by a 10 fold!
3 of 3 people found the above review helpful.
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Interesting Read, April 6, 2011
By Chris
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In John Gottman's book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, I found sound information, advice, and thoughts. Gottman has done his research and knows the subject well. It is clear that emotional intelligence and coaching is a passionate subject for him. Anyone who reads this book benefits greatly from his deep interest in it. He gives a great foundation for understanding what emotional coaching is and why it is needed.
It is refreshing to hear honest scientific proof for emotional coaching that stems from real family situations. For example, he says, "Over the years, social scientists have proven that children are drawn into antisocial, delinquent behavior as a result of problems in their family environment¬--problems like marital conflict, divorce, the physical or emotional absence of a father, domestic violence, poor parenting, neglect, abuse, and poverty." With this direct approach, it is easier to identify problems. I also particularly thought that the studies that had been done that showed the effects on children from mothers and fathers specifically. With the information provided, it was much easier to understand why children sometimes react the way they do.
I've never been able to understand why children react in certain ways to certain situations, this book helped to change that, at least a little, for me. Once I understood why children react the way they do, Gottman moved right on to the "what to do" phase. He gives specific ways to learn and understand what the child feels. The rules that are given are simple and easy to understand. It may take time to perfect in practice, but the basic principles are simple and easy to understand.
I particularly enjoyed the chapters on the Father's Role and how the child's response changes as they grow. These chapters give practical illustrations of good and bad examples in each chapter.
As someone who is preparing to have children and with no children of my own, there was some content that didn't quite apply yet. I could understand most of the topics and ideas that were discussed, but some required application for true understanding. I found that some of the assessment questionnaires were difficult to answer because I didn't have enough experience dealing with children.
This is one of those books that should be read multiple times. I plan to read it again once I've gained a bit more perspective and where I can apply the principles taught throughout the book.
2 of 2 people found the above review helpful.
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GREAT!!!, March 18, 2003
By Tania (ONTARIO ,CANADA)
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Another great parenting book to add to my list. This book was a great parent evaluator. Every parent "needs" to be an emotion coach. A must for every parent! You'll have no regrets.
2 of 3 people found the above review helpful.
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Great Ideas, March 29, 2003
By A Customer
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This is an incredible book. I gives som many interesting ideas and examples.
2 of 19 people found the above review helpful.
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Invaluable! Must Read for all Parents!, May 9, 2011
By Jennifer Janes
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I am so grateful for this book. I wish every parent would read it. If they did our world would be filled with happy, healthy people! I have used the techniques in this book and I am so thankful at the results I have seen with my son. I feel more connected with him and it has taught me skills and language to help him when he's having a tough time. I was always an empathetic parent, but now I am learning how to be an even better validator to my son, and set limits and boundaries in a clear, loving way. I love this book!
1 of 1 people found the above review helpful.
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Expert Gottman, August 25, 2008
By Joel Morgovsky (Red Bank, New Jersey)
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This book was a purchase as a gift to my daughter who brought our first grandchild into the world not long ago. I know about John Gottman and his reputation as an excellent researcher on emotions and how they play out in body language and other ways people communicate with one another. I am also very familiar with the research on Emotional Intelligence developed by Perter Salovey at Yale and popularized by Daniel Goleman. This book integrates all of those sources of profoundly important social science into an amalgam that will surely help parents guide their children toward becoming well balanced and confident. This is not a bunch of pop psychology. It is impotant information from a man who knows whereof he speaks.
1 of 1 people found the above review helpful.
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A great resource for parents!, May 8, 2008
By Jennifer Brown, MSW (Lake Stevens, WA)
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This is such a great resource - filled with information and research about how the ways we interact with our children can have long term, positive impact if we do it well. A must have for every parent!
1 of 1 people found the above review helpful.
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A must read for all parents, May 6, 2008
By A. Lilienfelde
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This is a must read book for all parents. It has already changed the relationship with my daughter to the positive side, she has become less agressive. The book is based on a research.
1 of 1 people found the above review helpful.
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Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, September 11, 2009
By J King (Indiana, USA)
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Every parent should read this book. It has helpful information for all aspects of any relationship.
1 of 3 people found the above review helpful.
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Good reference book, May 15, 2007
By Ducktape (St-Sauveur QC Canada)
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If you have a child that is a handful this may help.
1 of 5 people found the above review helpful.
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Every parent should read regardless of parenting style, December 9, 2011
By Hypatia
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I have learned much from this book. And this comes from a rather introspective individual filled with good intentions as well as expectations for her children. For many of us it will in fact reafirm what we know to be true. BUT it's not only an excellent reminder, it also shows how you too may not be aware of the more subtle things you say or do that speak volumes to a child. And many times while I'm reading it brings me back to my own childhood and helps make sense as to why I may have the troubles I sometimes have in my own life. Just knowing these things can make all the difference in order to self correct or adjust appropriately or prevent those unecessary struggles for my own children. I talk with my kids, I ask questions, and I intentionally try to raise them to think for themselves, all the while setting clear and definite guidelines of our expectations as parents. It's a fine line much of the time. I was happy the book is clear to point out that listening to your child and empathising with them does not equal letting them rule the roost. That I can appreciate since I know of many parents whose intentions are to not do as their authoritarian parents. So they allow their children to believe their say and wants weigh in the same as theirs. But it is also very good at pointing out what can happen when a parent is too authoritarian in nature and the child's thoughts and feelings are not aknowledged or recognised. It provides studies that have been done revealing long term results of parenting styles, for which I always appreciate in a book that tries to help direct people. Very good book.
1 of 1 people found the above review helpful.
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Excellent Book For Teaching Yourself and Your Child About Emotions, August 8, 2011
By Steven Armstrong (Bellevue, WA United States)
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Excellent book. I can't say enough good things about it. If you are already a parent, or if you think you might have a child, I recommend reading this book. This book helps a prospective parent understand what you are about to get yourself into. It really helped me so much with understanding and contextualizing MY emotions that it empowered me to start coaching my son (2). I'd still be lost if it weren't for this book and contextualizing every run-in with my son as a power struggle (which it is not!). I suggest reading chapter 7 on 185 first. I took almost two years to carefully study and practice implementing this book. If I would have read chapter 7 first, then I would have better realized that pieces of the book to utilize when as my child grew up and I continued to study and practice the book. Wasted a bit of time, meaning I tried some of the practices before my son was old enough to understand because I didn't understand WHEN to use the skills until after reading chapter 7.
1 of 1 people found the above review helpful.
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Great book., June 6, 2011
By JTan
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Gottman's "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent child" book is a much needed book in today's society with so much IT/social media and yet so little emotional connection. I love this book and the many wonderful ideas in it. This is a must read for all parents today!
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It's Okay to Get Angry!, November 10, 2010
By ruhamah
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I read this book cover to cover, and found it to be an easy and engaging read. It was very enlightening for me as I attempt to raise two precious children. I discovered quickly that although I am fairly good at helping children process their sad emotions, I need to learn to tolerate and accept anger as another appropriate emotional response. The anecdotes are great, and I feel much better equipped to work through emotions with my kids.
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Great parenting book, October 4, 2010
By GiGi (Eastanollee, Ga)
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I read this book years ago and it helped me to be a better mother. Now, whenever someone special to me is having a baby, I purchase a copy of this book for them.
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Start using this book now!, May 8, 2010
By Charles Sawyer
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I loved this book. As a youth/family and marriage counselor I have a great deal of respect for John Gottmans' research methods and teachings. His call for "emotion coaching" is right on. Follow these five steps authentically and lovingly and you will be amazed at the relational growth with your children.
These tools are solid and easy to follow.
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Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, April 7, 2010
By Angela Warren
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Awesome book!! Everyone should read this one. Parent or not, it is an amazing look into how to relate to, guide, and love children well. It is also a great book for helping adults look into their own heart and see their own intelligence level. Looking at the different styles of emotional parenting helps bring light to how parents can either help or hinder their child's emotional stability.
Don't pass this one by!!
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Children's Emotional Intelligence revealed!, February 25, 2010
By Chelsea Bliss Ward (Tualatin, OR)
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Gottman is a renound researcher and author and has once again provided fascinating and up to date research on the life of a child and the importance of parent style and interactions with their children. Teaching children to name their emotions and learn from them provides a foundation for healthy relationships and the ability to regulate emotion. A must read!!
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If you love your child, you must apply these principles, February 3, 2010
By Egidijus Gecius
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Gottman bases his conclusions and principles of raising an emotionally intelligent child on sound long term research. But he also manages to write in a style that is easy and nice to read. The decision of buying or not buying this book might seem quite unimportant now but the outcomes of your choice may be great. Such outcomes will likely range between raising an immature individual who may blame you when he is adult for your inadequate effort developing him and raising a mature, self-responsible mentally and emotionally healthy individual who can be a responsible leader for himself and for others around him. A must-own book if you walk your talk when you say that you truly love your child and want all the best for him.
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Great, September 1, 2008
By Disappointed Shopper
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Great book. A must read for every parent. One of the best parenting books out there.
0 of 2 people found the above review helpful.
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This book works. Read this book for your child's sake., February 3, 2012
By South African American
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I highly recommend this book to help parents deal with sensitive children. My child is very sensitive and cries easily. According to Dr Gottman, one should validate a child's feelings and mean what you say. He gives solid examples. Within one week of reading this book and applying the advice, my child cries remarkably less. She even came to me to say that she loves me "for helping her help herself to solve her problems". Enough said. If you were to buy only one child-rearing book: make this the book. Furthermore, it is based on years of solid research (much of which is Dr Gottman's own research) - he gives examples of the findings of his studies. It will encourage you to be the best parent you could possibly be. I have always been a good parent, but since reading this book, I am striving to be a great parent, not because I feel I should be, but because I want to be.
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